The Rollin' Stoned

A chance to meet the band with these facinating rock biographies, learn all about your favourite members, the facts and fiction, their lives and loves, likes, dislikes, pet foibles, yes in those days foibles were not on the dangerous animal register and you could keep them as pets.

Byron Jones - Multi-instrumentalist and founder of The Rollin Stoned From early in life, Byron knew what it was like to wake up in the morning with the 'Blues' all around, the genteely appointed town of Cheltenham where he grew up was about as true blue as you could get outside the Monday Club. He had an excellent record of attendance to the College ladies of Cheltenham, so good in fact that it was thought desirable that he learn his lessons of life elsewhere, not least by their Mothers. He eventually ended up in Blues Incarcerated, the infamous institute of correction modelled on the Louisiana chain gangs and run by the notorious Crooner family. Set in the bleak Welsh hills, this was where effete middle class white kids were sent to acquire the credentials of a genuine oppressed southern black's background - thought then to be an essential qualification to perform authentic Rhythm and Blues. Here he learnt pick a bail of cotton under the tyrannical guidance of ruthless governor Dyslexis Crooner, known by all the families in British Blues as 'The Godfather'. In fact an alarm clock may have served them all better, sadly they were rarely awake in the morning, let alone conscious of the whereabouts of the much lamented 'Blues'

Mick Jaguar - Lead Vocalist Mick has had to overcome considerable handicaps in his descent to social unacceptability. A deprived childhood – deprived of poverty, a dysfunctional family and any kind of an accent that did not engender a good “duffing up” any time he ventured on to the mean streets of ‘50’s Deptford. At least the thick lips he received in these encounters have stood him in good stead in his later career as “old rubber lips”

Keith Retched - Rhythm and Lead Guitarist Keith, even though from the other side of the tracks, first knew Mick Jaguar when they were boys in Deptford – but denies all knowledge of the thick lips. It is hard to equate the angelic face of the young Keith with the ravaged satanic visage we all know today. It has been rumoured that he possesses a portrait of an old man in his attic that gets younger by the day. Known as the Human Riff, Keith is the indestructible motor of the Stoned – one that runs on lethally high octane Rocket’n’Roll fuel that periodically he replenishes at a Swiss clinic.

Charlie Waits - Drummer Reputedly the reluctant member of the band, Charlie is happiest when performing baroque English chamber music such as the compositions of William Byrd (or "Parker" as he is known to cognoscenti). But Charlie knows which side his Ciabatta is Mozorella'd, it's his life on the road that pays for his life as a country squire. He is the epitome of the elegant dandy, dressing only in bespoke tailoring from Mr Byrite. When not touring he devotes himself to raising whores on his stud farm with his wife who is a Scalper. (Are you absolutely sure about your facts in this biog? ED)

Bill Wymandy - Bass Guitarist Bill, (Born William Berk) learned to play bass on his Fathers' knee, the particular knee in question was attached to his Dad's old wooden leg which he found one day while rummaging in the attic. The resourceful young Berk fashioned the artificial timber limb into the rudimentary instrument that he plays to this day. The only band member to have done National Service, he spent his time training in the Guards, earning him the unfortunate nickname The Busby Berk. This may well explain the hairdo and his oddly perpendicular playing posture - not to mention his habitually 'cheerful' expression.

Mick Waylor - Lead / Slide Guitarist Mick was seen as the ideal replacement for Byron Jones, given his experience working for John Mainliners Booze Busters. History has largely ignored this shy retiring musician’s significant contribution to the Band – in that case, so shall we.

Nicky Popkins - Piano & Keyboards Heard but rarely seen, the reclusive Popkins is notoriously shy of interviews, “I let my piano do the talking” is his customary response to interrogative enquires. Presumably he is making reference to the rather battered concert grand from which Popkins would appear to be quite inseparable. If pushed he will tell the inquisitor that he got it off a boy called Sparky and that really it is a magic one. Strangely however, with such a journalistic scoop on offer, most hacks don't hang around to find out how loquacious a conversationalist the enchanted Johanna in question is, rather concluding that they are in fact dealing with a tripped out wacko who's popped one pill too many and, being a few notes short of an octave, no longer able to distinguish between reality and the narrative of a children's fantasy favourite .